Dull Emotions

A dull emotionless night, it is long past midnight. Again I sit in front of a blank page filled with nothing, things that I didn’t imagine yet. What is it to feel like, again I ask myself for the millionth time, at this hour, as I try to search the words to describe feelings. Feelings that I want to see, feelings that I want to taste, the ones that I want to hear, and the ones that I resent. The ones that I actually feel.

As the mighty rivers of time flow through the open terrace door, I close my eyes to imagine. Darkness, not even fictional darkness, just a blank space of darkness without thoughts or emotions, images or sounds. Nothing.

How could I stand this anymore, no wonder that I turned to alcohol, everything that I once cherished is gone, everything but my own.

Friends, enemies, family, all of them are somewhere where I want to be. Somewhere where the pain is something relevant, somewhere there is a world without me, and it is much happier than this one.

The breeze is nice, but the time flow slowly devours me, darkness surrounds me while the sun is rising, again it is past midnight way to much for me to get back to sleep. Another day, another night, my mind is blank again, where my thoughts are dead, and not the poetic death that I seek near a lover that wasn’t meant to be, no it’s the death that killed many before they reach their goal, the death of one’s soul.

Looking around to the gods of long lost histories, they won’t talk to me anymore. I angered them a long time ago, with the black rose that was growing inside of me, the one that denounced them and everything after them. A curse from long ago, that plagued the family, and me even more.

As I gave in to it, I fought the demons, I fought the gods, everything above and everything down below was and still is my enemy, and now they started to act so.

No answer. No one answers me, whomever I ask for, they again have abandoned me. But don’t they know, will they repeat their mistakes?

Don’t they remember the one who challenged the heavens, did they really forget the havoc that I created last time they denounced me, the last time they humiliated and laughed at me?

I think it is time, it is time to find it again.

That way, where I can create chaos again, the one where my soul will finally be free when the burdens of heaven, earth, and hell won’t fall again on me. When they return me to my other half.

Ahh, again I fell into that state. What is wrong with me?

Gods? How can I fight the gods?

Damn it, I was supposed to write something, to make it again. I think I shouldn’t call myself a writer anymore. What is a writer without anything written that it is worth reading?

It seems like the sun is not up yet. It’s the clouds, that’s why. A cloudy morning might be my chance of sleep.

Well, that explains a lot of things, I am cold again. My leg is shaking, am I angry and I don’t feel it?

What the hell is going on again, what the hell am I doing with my life?

I can’t even cry anymore, I can’t feel anymore what good am I to this world anymore?

This feels like writing a diary but every word I write is just cutting deeper inside of me, yet I can’t seem to bleed even if I want to, even if I need to.

The main actor in my own movie bullshit, I can’t stand my life anymore, I can’t seem to know where I want to go still, and it’s been already too many years to not know. Am I going to do this, am I going to give it all up for something else, or am I going to try to balance everything on a string that could break anytime, yet again I can’t decide and might do nothing and just fail at everything…..How many times again…..I am hungry, I am hungry again, but I have to keep a diet.

How wonderful it would be, to cry it out, and just feel free, but I can’t.

I didn’t go to his grave again, I passed it by, I couldn’t face it anymore, I can’t see the white gravestone and your picture smiling, why the hell are you smiling when you are not here with me.

What is wrong being so alone?

I can’t feel happiness anymore, I can’t no matter what I do the black hole just grows bigger and bigger, it wants more and more. I can’t stand myself anymore as I am eating myself from the inside.

The stone, that white stone, that innocent smile of yours, I miss you more than you think, It’s again 5 a.m. and again my mind is filled black lines, filled with death, filled with lies and images that I can’t see anymore since my imagination died, my brain overheated, I can’t stand it!

I want to write, I want to create, but this is just a dry desert and I can’t get a drop of water to drink to keep going, so I am just going back, going back to dust.

Pain, maybe I need pain, maybe I need to feel broken again to actually feel something.

I feel like I lost everything.

I can’t talk to her, I can’t talk to him, and I can’t even touch him, can’t hug him, I am lost without all of them, I can’t understand, what should I do?

What the hell should I do to be happy?

 

Poem: Dancing Shadows

 

 

 

When I see those shadows move,
In the spotlight, I can already tell,
It’s going to be a hellish good time,

The light of day won’t reach anytime soon,
And I am swooned by the shadow,
Dancing behind the light,

And I can feel the heat,
I can feel the love,
Spread across the dance floor,

Where no one is but me and you,
The shadow calls me over,
And I can’t resist any longer

I need someone to take a chance with me,
And burn her initials inside of me,
Just want to dance with somebody,
With the one that loves me

And as the shadow’s movements fade away,
Eyes stick out through the light staring at me
Somebody is watching me
Piercing my heart
Reading me
And that somebody pulled me in
Like a black hole sucking everything
I am drawn to her
As the light gets dim
The shadows fade
And under the faint light, I connect with you
When our bodies collide
When our minds go wild

Poem: Hometown

 

 

 

In this town, nothing changes,
From the baker to the market,
Everything stays the same,
Just the people,
The people go one by one,
One by one they disappear,
With no memory of them,
They leave the town,
Never to be seen around,
On the ground,
I watch the stars,
Wishing I was one of them,
Never to return.

Poem: Godless

 

 

 

Tell me something death,
Are you happy with your job,
Aren’t you tired of the complaints?

I’ve seen you take away from me everything,
One by one,
But not only you,

Tell me, something gods,
Aren’t you tired of stopping me from filling my void?
Am I that big of a threat to you?

I am falling,
Into the depths of soul-crushing colors,
And I can’t leave or hold on to anything,

In the shallow, the shallow mud
I raise my head, with a smile that seems dead,
Still I walk, still, I reach out my head,
STILL I CAN WALK, STILL, I CAN DEFEND

To the gods that can’t hold themselves back from my realm,
Beware, beware of the stare that is following you,
The life that is a threat to you

Beware of the godless god, the shallow husk of a being
That still lets the colors roam free,
And makes everything free

In this modern world,
I can feel the blood boiling inside of me,
My ancestry is behind me

I died once, and will die once more,
And when I die heaven and earth will hear a roar,
While the underworld will personally see,
What fear is for me

You cursed my soul,
You made my way a sin,
And now I will come for you,
I will burn you from within,

Into the deep end, I am not drowning,
I am diving in where people couldn’t even see,
Godless and sober, I come for you.

 

Poem: My Utopian Lie

 

 

Oh wind that brings the joy of fresh air,
Please blow my tears and take them far away,
On this journey, be my guide, don’t let me die inside,

Oh how bad it is to walk in circles,
To painfully relieve your past day in and day out,
What joy must the heavens have on our behalf,

Once it’s broken, once it stopped,
They will be the ones that are mocked,
In their blissful blue sky, there we will make them cry,

Will it ever end, oh my dearest friend will my pain end?
One by one my thoughts die, one by one they vanish in my cry,
And the circle remains untouched, unscratched and they laugh at me from the sky,

But one day, one fateful day,
When the city is paved in the colors of our youth,
The rain can’t wash away the feelings that we want to feel,

When heaven is here when I can set foot on it,
Then I will join him, the sinner no one prays for,
Oh my, did we build our heaven on the back of hell?

It doesn’t matter anyway,
The Devil and I will dance away,
In the shadow of a great new day.

Poem: Change of the day

 

Are you done?
I don’t have much time,
Need, greed, joy,
Well isn’t it nice you want me as your toy,
But I ain’t that kind of boy,
So hey, why don’t we talk another day?
It’s not like sunshine or rain’s gonna change my way,
Not like you care anyway.

What is it to you,
The wasted time I spent on you?
A wind of change,
The mood of rage?
Well excuse me,
I don’t care what you see,
So why don’t you just let it be?

This is just the way it is,
Changing things is not my way,
I change myself for a brighter day,
Won’t change you, won’t try to,
Because you don’t want me,
I will never ever want you.

Poem: Lone Wolf

 

Walk alone, like the lone wolf,
You don’t take what the worlds want to give,
What’s your reason to fight?
What are you an afraid mighty lone wolf?
Do you not trust others or are you afraid of them?

Oh mighty wolf that journeys alone, won’t you tell me where is your home?
When will your journey end?
Why did you run away and where are you going?
I asked the lone wolf, and his answer howled to me

I am the answer to your question,
Afraid of myself I am, as I cannot yet understand what I need to do,
Afraid of the world I am, it might give me to much,
Afraid of them, I cannot trust myself nor them,

My journey is a long one, one that I need to walk alone,
And when I reach the end of it, then I will find my home,
All the storms that will rain down on me will only make me stronger,
The hardships of my life will make my mind grow bolder,
And one day I will be able to say,
I am glad I did it my way.

Poem: Life in my Hand

 

 

I can’t keep up with the world
Since it tries to act as a double edge sword
The more I kill the enemy
The more it pierces through me
In the end, I don’t have anything to defend
In the end, should I pretend
Not to be hurt
And just smile
When in fact I am about to die
The string of faith is not so strong
They break as you walk along
Rip apart when you start creating art
And when you close yourself inside
Do you think you will die with pride?
The sword keeps pushing inside of you no matter what you do
No matter what you think
No matter what you feel
In the end, you’ll see what’s fake and what’s real
Emotions and facts combined in life’s artifacts
When you see one run
Because harm will be done with one look
That’s all that it took
That’s all what it ever takes when you gaze
And that’s not the end of the story
Because you are driving a freaking lorry
To an unknown destination
Through the forest of procrastination
The mountains of your desperation
And the roads of the great depression
Yet you are there sitting on your comfy chair
Goin’ 80 miles per hour
Screaming about life being sour
The favorite thing about it is not knowing where you are going
Because if you knew, what would you change, what would you be ever able to do?
I don’t know me, I don’t know you
What I really want to do is create myself
Mold the me into whatever I want to be
Stay true to the values I hold so dearly
And preserver
Life is not all about defense or attack
Even if the double end sword will get me one day
I will be able to say my last words
They will echo to the chamber of life and death, in between
Do you know what I mean?
It will reach the end of the world, the end of the universe
Because it will be like a fire from a verse
It will hit deep and wake the gods up from their sleep
Then, you ask me, what will happen?
What will become of you?
What will become of me?
I don’t know a thing about you, but I will go out smiling, what will you do?

Poem: Shade of Blue

The dawn of the morning,
Sunrise of the world,
It’s the most lonely view from my little room,
Beautiful, fascinating, but it burns my eyes,

Not the sun, not the earth,
But it is the sky that makes me rub my eye,
It burns, it’s a shade of blue hits my soul and takes me back to you,
The loneliest shade of blue.

Poem: Between Silences

 

 

 

There are days that silence rages so fiercely,
I fear the panes will crack and cave.
O how I long for your witty exchanges once more.
We spend hours, lingered in poetry,
conversations enlightened with articulation,
and then your mind snaps;

Silence.

I learn to entertain myself between silences,
to sift through diaries left haphazardly on tabletops.
The words you’ve written scream for release;
your tortured mind begs for forgiveness.
I want to wrap you in my arms
and chase away whatever beast has your tongue.

The silence seeps under doorways;
a smoky haze soaks the room.

There are days when you wander the halls
as if there is something you want to say.
I wait, in anticipation, for one mere syllable,
just one sound of recognition from your lips,
to explore the vast knowledge imprisoned in your mind.
Such madness controls you.

Given the chance,
I would say all the things you cannot,
if only I knew the words.

Silence.

 

 

Copyright © 2013 Lori Carlson.