A dull emotionless night, it is long past midnight. Again I sit in front of a blank page filled with nothing, things that I didn’t imagine yet. What is it to feel like, again I ask myself for the millionth time, at this hour, as I try to search the words to describe feelings. Feelings that I want to see, feelings that I want to taste, the ones that I want to hear, and the ones that I resent. The ones that I actually feel.
As the mighty rivers of time flow through the open terrace door, I close my eyes to imagine. Darkness, not even fictional darkness, just a blank space of darkness without thoughts or emotions, images or sounds. Nothing. How could I stand this anymore, no wonder that I turned to alcohol, everything that I once cherished is gone, everything but my own.
Friends, enemies, family, all of them are somewhere where I want to be. Somewhere where the pain is something relevant, somewhere there is a world without me, and it is much happier than this one. The breeze is nice, but the time flow slowly devours me, darkness surrounds me while the sun is rising, again it is past midnight way to much for me to get back to sleep. Another day, another night, my mind is blank again, where my thoughts are dead, and not the poetic death that I seek near a lover that wasn’t meant to be, no it’s the death that killed many before they reach their goal, the death of one’s soul.
Looking around to the gods of long lost histories, they won’t talk to me anymore. I angered them a long time ago, with the black rose that was growing inside of me, the one that denounced them and everything after them. A curse from long ago, that plagued the family, and me even more. As I gave in to it, I fought the demons, I fought the gods, everything above and everything down below was and still is my enemy, and now they started to act so.
No answer. No one answers me, whomever I ask for, they again have abandoned me. But don’t they know, will they repeat their mistakes?
Don’t they remember the one who challenged the heavens, did they really forget the havoc that I created last time they denounced me, the last time they humiliated and laughed at me?
I think it is time, it is time to find it again. That way, where I can create chaos again, the one where my soul will finally be free when the burdens of heaven, earth, and hell won’t fall again on me. When they return me to my other half.
Ahh, again I fell into that state. What is wrong with me?
Gods? How can I fight the gods?
Damn it, I was supposed to write something, to make it again. I think I shouldn’t call myself a writer anymore. What is a writer without anything written that it is worth reading?
It seems like the sun is not up yet. It’s the clouds, that’s why. A cloudy morning might be my chance of sleep.
Well, that explains a lot of things, I am cold again. My leg is shaking, am I angry and I don’t feel it?
What the hell is going on again, what the hell am I doing with my life?
I can’t even cry anymore, I can’t feel anymore what good am I to this world anymore?
This feels like writing a diary but every word I write is just cutting deeper inside of me, yet I can’t seem to bleed even if I want to, even if I need to. The main actor in my own movie bullshit, I can’t stand my life anymore, I can’t seem to know where I want to go still, and it’s been already too many years to not know. Am I going to do this, am I going to give it all up for something else, or am I going to try to balance everything on a string that could break anytime, yet again I can’t decide and might do nothing and just fail at everything…..How many times again…..I am hungry, I am hungry again, but I have to keep a diet.
How wonderful it would be, to cry it out, and just feel free, but I can’t.
I didn’t go to his grave again, I passed it by, I couldn’t face it anymore, I can’t see the white gravestone and your picture smiling, why the hell are you smiling when you are not here with me.
What is wrong being so alone?
I can’t feel happiness anymore, I can’t no matter what I do the black hole just grows bigger and bigger, it wants more and more. I can’t stand myself anymore as I am eating myself from the inside. The stone, that white stone, that innocent smile of yours, I miss you more than you think, It’s again 5 a.m. and again my mind is filled black lines, filled with death, filled with lies and images that I can’t see anymore since my imagination died, my brain overheated, I can’t stand it!
I want to write, I want to create, but this is just a dry desert and I can’t get a drop of water to drink to keep going, so I am just going back, going back to dust. Pain, maybe I need pain, maybe I need to feel broken again to actually feel something. I feel like I lost everything. I can’t talk to her, I can’t talk to him, and I can’t even touch him, can’t hug him, I am lost without all of them, I can’t understand, what should I do?
What the hell should I do to be happy?