Posted in: Short Story, Stories

Dull Emotions

   A dull emotionless night, it is long past midnight. Again I sit in front of a blank page filled with nothing, things that I didn’t imagine yet. What is it to feel like, again I ask myself for the millionth time, at this hour, as I try to search the words to describe feelings. Feelings that I want to see, feelings that I want to taste, the ones that I want to hear, and the ones that I resent. The ones that I actually feel.

As the mighty rivers of time flow through the open terrace door, I close my eyes to imagine. Darkness, not even fictional darkness, just a blank space of darkness without thoughts or emotions, images or sounds. Nothing. How could I stand this anymore, no wonder that I turned to alcohol, everything that I once cherished is gone, everything but my own.
Friends, enemies, family, all of them are somewhere where I want to be. Somewhere where the pain is something relevant, somewhere there is a world without me, and it is much happier than this one. The breeze is nice, but the time flow slowly devours me, darkness surrounds me while the sun is rising, again it is past midnight way to much for me to get back to sleep. Another day, another night, my mind is blank again, where my thoughts are dead, and not the poetic death that I seek near a lover that wasn’t meant to be, no it’s the death that killed many before they reach their goal, the death of one’s soul.

Looking around to the gods of long lost histories, they won’t talk to me anymore. I angered them a long time ago, with the black rose that was growing inside of me, the one that denounced them and everything after them. A curse from long ago, that plagued the family, and me even more. As I gave in to it, I fought the demons, I fought the gods, everything above and everything down below was and still is my enemy, and now they started to act so.

No answer. No one answers me, whomever I ask for, they again have abandoned me. But don’t they know, will they repeat their mistakes?

Don’t they remember the one who challenged the heavens, did they really forget the havoc that I created last time they denounced me, the last time they humiliated and laughed at me?

I think it is time, it is time to find it again. That way, where I can create chaos again, the one where my soul will finally be free when the burdens of heaven, earth, and hell won’t fall again on me. When they return me to my other half.

Ahh, again I fell into that state. What is wrong with me?

Gods? How can I fight the gods?

Damn it, I was supposed to write something, to make it again. I think I shouldn’t call myself a writer anymore. What is a writer without anything written that it is worth reading?

It seems like the sun is not up yet. It’s the clouds, that’s why. A cloudy morning might be my chance of sleep.

Well, that explains a lot of things, I am cold again. My leg is shaking, am I angry and I don’t feel it?

What the hell is going on again, what the hell am I doing with my life?

I can’t even cry anymore, I can’t feel anymore what good am I to this world anymore?

This feels like writing a diary but every word I write is just cutting deeper inside of me, yet I can’t seem to bleed even if I want to, even if I need to. The main actor in my own movie bullshit, I can’t stand my life anymore, I can’t seem to know where I want to go still, and it’s been already too many years to not know. Am I going to do this, am I going to give it all up for something else, or am I going to try to balance everything on a string that could break anytime, yet again I can’t decide and might do nothing and just fail at everything…..How many times again…..I am hungry, I am hungry again, but I have to keep a diet.

How wonderful it would be, to cry it out, and just feel free, but I can’t.

I didn’t go to his grave again, I passed it by, I couldn’t face it anymore, I can’t see the white gravestone and your picture smiling, why the hell are you smiling when you are not here with me.
What is wrong being so alone?

I can’t feel happiness anymore, I can’t no matter what I do the black hole just grows bigger and bigger, it wants more and more. I can’t stand myself anymore as I am eating myself from the inside. The stone, that white stone, that innocent smile of yours, I miss you more than you think, It’s again 5 a.m. and again my mind is filled black lines, filled with death, filled with lies and images that I can’t see anymore since my imagination died, my brain overheated, I can’t stand it!

I want to write, I want to create, but this is just a dry desert and I can’t get a drop of water to drink to keep going, so I am just going back, going back to dust. Pain, maybe I need pain, maybe I need to feel broken again to actually feel something. I feel like I lost everything. I can’t talk to her, I can’t talk to him, and I can’t even touch him, can’t hug him, I am lost without all of them, I can’t understand, what should I do?

What the hell should I do to be happy?

 

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Change of the day

Are you done?
I don’t have much time,
Need, greed, joy,
Well isn’t it nice you want me as your toy,
But I ain’t that kind of boy,
So hey, why don’t we talk another day?
It’s not like sunshine or rain’s gonna change my way,
Not like you care anyway.

What is it to you,
The wasted time I spent on you?
A wind of change,
The mood of rage?
Well excuse me,
I don’t care what you see,
So why don’t you just let it be?

This is just the way it is,
Changing things is not my way,
I change myself for a brighter day,
Won’t change you, won’t try to,
Because you don’t want me,
I will never ever want you.

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Take It All

 

 

Take all our money
take all the power
what will you bring
when it comes to the final hour?

Hide behind the diploma
hide behind the uniform
get up from this mental coma
hide from a bullet storm

Under the curtain of madness
in the surface of ignorance
you only bring the sadness
giving nothing for existence

Drowning us, we hit the bottom
and everything we have
takes Babylon

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Forgotten Burning Soul

 

 

I’m burning this bridge, my heart to the ground
I have put my hopes up to high
It’s time for them to go back down to the mess that’s around
I will never have a firm stance in life,
Forever under rubble, I will be found
But under this self-afflicted weight,
Have I realized a truth so profound,
That because of expectations,
I’ve become numb
I put my heart into others too soon
But relationships last like the rise and fall of the sun
So in the ashes of the day,
And the frozen caves of the night,
I stumble upon who
I’ve become: A forgotten soul,
No one,
A rotten corpse in the day,
And a lonely caveman at night,
The only hope I have Is the opposite life in sight
But both are two of the same
A forgotten soul,
Trying to find meaning in his name,
But even if he found one
It wouldn’t help him none
Cause when you’re lost, you’re lost
It’s like having a heart with no lungs
Craving love but no tongue,
The only thing left is to survive,
Or from the truth, run.

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Reading it Well

 

 

I looked out the window,
The sun was gone,
I put some music on,
Listening to the wind outside,
I woke up in the middle of the day again,
What a pain,
I wonder what’s wrong,
Why can’t I enjoy a single song,
I can’t see what others tell me,
More than feelings, more than stories,
I see more than you could tell, from a text,
You wouldn’t know, how can you even tell,
When I hide so well?

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Despair of the Poet

The wolfs are howling
It’s a sad howl
The dead are dead
Souls are wandering, searching for it
Despair, once it was just a word Today its the world

God let us down once again
Nor an enemy nor a friend
Just not there
We had to look for despair
It leads us to it
Now we want it

Life is chaos
Chaos is beauty in the mind of a poet
The poet knows, oh that poet knows the world he owns
From chaos he creates peace
Then rips the page

Only chaos, that’s the state of his mind
He does not want any help, yet he is kind
What in the world does he need that chaos for in his mind?
Despair, despair dear friend
It is where the poet comes to an end.

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Hunger

I feel a hunger in my heart
Its just enough to keep me awake at night
Are you the answer I should wonder
I can feel my appetite for you
I can feel my heart beat faster
So take me home with you
Let me take a bite of you
Just let me feel you breath
And make your heart beat faster
So take me home tonight
And be my little baby

Written by Srdjan Solkotovic

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Quoted

Nothing stops my head now
Thought after thought its all rough
Like diamonds all they need is some shaping to make them shine
That’s where my mind comes in play
You can stay and watch me turn my thoughts into reality
Because that’s what I was born to do
I always thought that my life is not worth living
But I started going through it my way
Sometimes I cry sometimes I laugh
But I wont exchange it for nothing in the world
All the mistakes I made , all the bad choices I feel crawling up to this day
I would do them all over if it lead me again to you
And it wasn’t so far away when my first dream came true
And now I meet you
So life goes on and on
And we just try to figure life on our own
I live my life like I always wanted to do
And that’s by staying near you

Written by Srdjan Solkotovic

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: Lets go back

Lets get back to the day when you told me that you’d stay
Lets go back to that day when you took all my worries away
When I give you my heart
So lets pretend it all went well
And we didn’t fight, didn’t get mad
Lets pretend this never happened
Say it was all good
And now where would be
So lets get back to that time
The time when I didn’t know how to rhyme
Where it was you and me
No world around us
We could be where we wanted to be from my room
But those days are gone
I cant pretend
I cant do anything right now
But thats how it ends
And we go on
You with two hearts
And I , I rely on my mind from now on.

Written by Srdjan Solkotovic

Posted in: Poetry

Poem: In memory to you all

 

 

I wake up , another morning, another stop
My head hurts, my heart beats fast
They all came in my dream again
My eyes are red
I was supposed to lead
Never show emotion
But the day you left me
Its the day everything felt apart
I want to get back to those days
When we were all together , no hate , no death
And the one who saved my life
The one who made me laugh
All of you, how are you now?
Is it a better place
Should I join you too?
Everyday people die, others cry
I never shed a tear for anyone of you
Because they went down under the earth with you
It might be true that to get to the top you have to walk over bodies
But why does it have to be yours
All of you are gone now
And I am a bit alone now
But from time to time I see you all in my dreams
When we are still were young
No plan for the future
And when the future came
It stung , I was in pain
Because all of you
Why, why did all of you have to die?

Written by Srdjan Solkotovic